"After college I moved to Houston hoping to conquer the world. I had no idea I would be conquered by my own mind."
What you're about to read is a true story...
Little did I know, life had a vastly different plan in mind. In fact, I was about to be dragged through the bleakest, most harrowing experience of my life.
One Crippling Thought
It started, surprisingly enough, in an arena where I had always taken great delight: Public speaking.
I'd been asked to give a brief presentation to a group of 40 of my colleagues. One night while I was preparing my notes, a small, whisper-of-a-thought floated through my mind:
"What if you get nervous up there?"
At first I just wrote it off. I'd spoken in front of much larger groups plenty of times before. So this one was no big deal.
But somehow that little thought had plunged its tiny claws deep into my mind, and for the rest of that night — not to mention for all of the remaining nights leading up to my presentation — I struggled to pry it off. What had first appeared as a tiny nuisance had somehow exploded into an all-out obsession.
Disaster Strikes
On the day of my presentation, with nerves wracked by anxiety, I stepped up in front of the group to present my ideas. As I turned to face the audience, still desperate to find some way through the moment, I panicked. In an instant my throat constricted, my hands began shaking, and I could barely form complete sentences.
Somehow I fumbled my way through the rest of the presentation, but everyone in that room knew what was happening. This was a level of humiliation and embarrassment I'd rarely, if ever, experienced.
I wish I could tell you that that's where it ended, but the truth is, things were about to get much, much worse.
Path of Destruction
That little "what-if" monster that had gotten unleashed inside my mind was now on a rampage. Having all but destroyed my work life, it moved on to my relationship with my girlfriend, which it tore to pieces in a matter of weeks.
From there, having nothing else left to feed on, it moved on to the one source of food that still remained:
Me.
A Mind Set Against Itself
I had no idea how it had happened, but somehow my own mind had turned on me. It was bombarding me with the most terrifying thoughts and feelings I'd ever experienced. It was pure hell... an experience I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
I can still remember standing in my bathroom, staring blankly into the mirror, repeating over and over, "What's happened to you? . . . What's happened to you?"
It's an extraordinary position to find yourself in — extraordinary because even though a part of you remains rational and clear-thinking, the overwhelming sense of hopelessness you feel drives you to contemplate solutions that are nothing short of dreadful.
Some people believe it's simply a matter of "deciding to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps." I can tell you from firsthand experience that when you're struggling with the bleakest forms of depression, it's not quite that simple.
Believe me, it's not something to take lightly. And that's why I had to do something . . . before it was too late.
Desperate Search
I searched frantically for help, seeking out one expert after another. I started with a counselor at work. I'll never forget the look on her face when I described what my mind was doing to me. She didn't say one word to me. Not a word! She stood up, walked to her desk, dialed downtown, then cupped her hand over the phone and whispered, "I have someone here who needs to come see you."
That's when I knew things were bad.
Unfortunately the so-called expert she referred me to turned out to be another useless dead-end. He was little more an egomaniac. After jabbering on for nearly 20 minutes about his professional conquests, he listened to me for 5 minutes, scribbled out a prescription, then ushered me out the door.
Intuitively I knew that a pill would do nothing but conceal the real root of the problem. My own constitution rejected it as a permanent solution.
I had to keep searching.
A World of Imposters
That led me to one of the most respected Yoga and meditation centers in my area. I arranged to meet with the head Yogi at his home. Once there I quickly learned, much to my dismay, that he too was an imposter. As I watched him mindlessly preparing tea while spouting off every four-letter word in existence, I knew he had nothing to offer except the pretense of wisdom.
I couldn't believe it. These were supposed to be the experts, and not one of them could offer so much as a speck of authentic help.
I had never felt so lost and alone.
But one thing was now clear: If I was going to find my way out of this condition, I would have to do it on my own.
But how?
What happened next would prove to be the turning point to which I owe my entire life.
Unexpected Rescue
A few days later, I paused in front of my bookshelf and decided to rummage through my book collection. I pulled out a book from one of the past masters — one that had been sitting on that shelf the entire time. I don't know why it took so long to go back to it. Maybe I wasn't ready. But right there in that one little book was a spark of genuine understanding unlike anything I had known up to that point. It not only explained what I was going through . . . but why as well.
In that moment I felt an infusion of hope flood through my entire system. I didn't realize it at the time, but what I had just discovered was the existence of Life's most powerful force of healing:
Wisdom.
Beautiful, glorious, illuminating wisdom! Higher Wisdom.
Well, it didn't take long. I pulled out my entire collection of true spiritual books and I immersed myself in them with newfound vigor — and newfound appreciation — driven along by an inescapable need.
Keeping Company with What Cares for You
Suddenly I was uncovering secret after secret, insight after insight, one after another after another. The more I gave to understanding these principles, the more I was given in return.
It wasn't always easy. Far from it. At times it felt like I was sweeping water off a sidewalk. For an instant everything is clean and clear, then a second later, all the same despair comes rushing back in.
But I stayed the course and took advantage of every opportunity I could: If I was driving to work, I had a tape playing in the tape deck (yep, we're talking good ol' cassette tapes!). If I was at the gym, I had a walkman strapped around my arm. If I was at home, I had a book in my hand or a video playing on the TV.
These truthful principles had become my constant companions. And do you know what happened? Somehow, by keeping constant company with these ideas, I rediscovered my love for life.
And that awful desperation I'd been battling? It dissolved completely.
An Unexpected Miracle
But that was only the half of it. Because what replaced the desperation was an understanding about life that, to me, was nothing short of miraculous.
And now here I am today, 25 years later, and I can say beyond the shadow of any doubt:
There truly is an extraordinary purpose for a human being's life. A purpose that nothing in the ordinary world can ever satisfy. It is an unquenchable flame that burns incessantly in the human heart, and, once understood, it will guide you toward a life that is unimaginable.
But that leads us to the $64,000 question . . . how exactly do these ideas turn into understanding?
Where the Path to Higher Possibilities Diverges
Looking back on it, I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty:
The decision to keep myself immersed in these principles was the single most important decision of my life.
Had I not done that, I can only imagine what would've become of me.
Most people give up on these ideas too soon. They plow up the seeds before the first roots have descended into the soil. Others treat these ideas like weekend vacations, visiting them for pleasure and relaxation as though they were island resorts.
I'm afraid such half-efforts will earn only half-rewards.
But worse still, those individuals who give up on their study of these life principles will never know the extraordinary understanding they would've uncovered, had they just persisted through the difficult times.
I can tell you from my own experience, reading a spiritual book five times over probably won't do it. Listening to ten audio courses probably won't do it. Dedicating a year of your life to journaling and meditating probably won't do it.
So what will?
Constant companionship with truthful principles.
You have to keep company with what is Right, Good, and True. And you have to keep yourself in the right environment where these powerful ideas can work on you.
I know how impossible that sounds.
And, frankly, in this world, without a connection to Higher Wisdom, it IS virtually impossible.
This website and the programs we produce are intended to create an online connection to that Higher Wisdom.
Thanks for being here.
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I'm Free after 30 years of Crippling Depression...
When I was just 5 years old, I suffered a traumatic event. The details don't matter, but it triggered a slide into trauma, shame, and PTSD that spiraled into crippling depression over the years.
My journey of seeking help to end the darkness started early.
At age 6, a local church slid a placemat under our door advertising Sunday School. The placemat had a pretty watercolor rose and a Bible quote in calligraphy about love that inspired me.
On the back of the placemat was an invitation to Sunday School and a phone number to arrange pickup. Armed with my birthday gift, my very own phone in my room, I called to arrange for the pastor to pick me up, unbeknownst to my parents.
I dressed up in my best dress and lace gloves that Sunday and waited. The pastor, a kindly octogenarian in a gray tweed suit and hat, arrived at our door and announced he was here to collect me.
My confused parents looked out at the car, where his wife stood in her Sunday Best with their wood-paneled station wagon filled with children.
And since it was the '80s, my parents let me go! (it was the times...)
I went every Sunday for years, even attending Bible camp during the summers. I loved hearing the stories about God and Jesus and the unconditional love on offer.
However, as I grew older, I found the atmosphere and answers at these churches lacking both depth and understanding.
In search of deeper meaning, I turned to books on psychology, yoga, and meditation.
The first book I bought with my babysitting money was about creative visualization and the connection between what we focus on and what we manifest.
At the same time, I was reading sad poetry and bathing in the grunge-era of the 90's that was dark and depressing and deep, so I thought.
I was a living conflict.
I read about different religions, praying for answers. Yet, despite my quest for connection and answers, depression continued to plague me.
As I got deeper into my teenage years, eating disorders, alcohol, marijuana, and psychedelics became my coping mechanisms of choice.
I kept up my straight A's and tried to be a good student, friend, daughter, sister, and employee. Most people thought I was doing great and had a bright future ahead of me. I mostly felt dread.
As time went on, I continued to seek truth and the meaning of life, visiting dozens of churches while still medicating with alcohol, harder drugs, spirituality, and co-dependent relationships.
I was a high-functioning depressive. I graduated on the Dean's List from university with a promising career as a journalist ahead of me, I had great friends, and I was studying life-coaching.
I went through intensive therapy, self-development workshops, meditation retreats, spiritual retreats, shamanic rituals, and psychedelic ceremonies.
I learned how to "cope" with depression and mask my symptoms well, for the most part.
I found that sharing with people about depression mostly gained me pity that I felt shame about or, well-meaning but ultimately useless advice.
So, "cope and mask" it was!
Eventually, I married, lived in a big McMansion in a private lake community, and ran 2 businesses. I tried desperately to be happy and grateful. But I was struggling with depression most of the time. And I didn't understand why. I knew I had so much to be happy and grateful about, which only compounded the guilt and shame I felt about the depression.
I felt like a hopeless burden.
I was stuck in what felt like a downward spiral into dark waters, with occasional bursts to the waters' surface to catch a breath of air, only to be sucked back down.
Eventually, I came across the teachings of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi, and I learned Jnana Yoga and how to question my thoughts.
I studied what is called self-inquiry meditation and self-realization.
It was a welcome light in the dark world I was living in, saving me many times from the brink of suicide. However, because I wasn't getting to the root cause of the issue, I often found myself back in the grim grip of depression.
When my marriage finally ended, I had to walk away from my home, any financial security I had known, even my beloved fur-baby, a little Yorkie-Shih-tzu named Molly.
It was a time of deep grief, but also of hope, and new beginnings.
I flung myself deep into self-inquiry and working to understand depression. At the time, I believed that it was simply a condition that I had to live with, but that if I worked diligently on my inner world, self-care, and getting the conditions of my life right, I could live despite.
Everything changed when I met Tim at a spiritual retreat in the spring of 2016.
I saw him give a talk about how a deep truth can be a source of rescue in a dark moment. It sparked conversation, and we bonded over our love of uncovering life's great truths and self-realization principles.
After I returned home, I had what I called a depressive attack. I was crying in desperation, feeling like an utterly hopeless failure at how I kept ending up in this place, ready to give up on life.
I got on the phone with Tim, explaining what was happening and my furious frustration at ending up back in depression.
"What is the point of all of this effort and work if I just keep ending up back in hell?" I cried, desperate and ready to give up.
He sat with me, patiently, completely unafraid of the darkness pouring out of me. He simply asked me (the perfect) questions, and helped me have an epiphany that changed everything.
A switch suddenly flipped on, and the heaviness of the pain fell off me. I began to laugh as I saw how wrong my thinking, my perspective, my whole perception of life had been. Paradigms shifted. I felt my brain and the cells of my body restructuring. My crying became crying, incredulous laughter as the chains of 30 years fell from me.
I finally saw the root cause of my depression, how it propagated, and realized, deeply, truly, how little it had to do with me.
At that moment, its hold on my life dissolved ...permanently.
I began to laugh at depression's desperate attempts to bring me down, after seeing that what I really am is untouchable.
Not just hearing and understanding that as an esoteric concept, but truly having that direct knowledge from my own seeing.
I was finally free of the hostage situation depression held me in!
I began to feel connected to life again, living in a truly secure joy and discovering profound meaning in every moment.
Not just a momentary glimpse of clarity or a psychedelic-induced epiphany that would later fizzle away. I was seeing life as it truly was, seeing myself as I truly am.
I began to clear away what no longer served me, ended toxic relationships, sold possessions that felt like old baggage, and started a new adventure in a new country.
I know a lot of people thought I was crazy, because I was making drastic changes, but I was finally sane. I was a different human.
I immersed myself in contemplation, study, meditation, and mindful living.
When I saw that Tim could help me clear away a 30-year pattern of suicidal depression with just a handful of paradigm-shifting epiphanies, I knew he needed to share his findings and wisdom with the world.
He had been working on a book titled "The Illustrated Guide to the Meaning of Life," and I encouraged him to turn it into a course to help others with depression.
I helped Tim create The Inner Oasis by leveraging my background in self-realization facilitation, spiritual life coaching, and communications.
I want members of our community to experience the same freedom I have—to live a life free from depression, anxiety, or any darkness.
I want to help people lead meaningful, purpose-filled, fulfilling lives they love.
Within The Inner Oasis and the Dissolve Depression Course, I help provide guidance, lead group coaching discussions, and make myself available to answer questions as they arise. I'm here to help.
I wish to convey this essential truth straight to your heart:
Depression isn't a life sentence. It is a misunderstood condition that, once seen through, becomes a distant, powerless memory.
You can reclaim your life. One epiphany at a time.
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